Wow, this is an honour.
I am friends with number four on "Maxim's" list of the sexiest women in comedy.
Thanks. First, I was mad that Jessica Simpson was ahead of me,
but then I saw "The Dukes of Hazzard"...funny!
Is that baby oil?
They use salad dressing, 'cause it gets a better sheen.
Jenna, this is ridiculous. What does any of this have to do with comedy?
You're burnt!
Listen, I want to make sure you're not gonna regret this,
because it's not just cute guys that buy these magazines.
It's teenage boys with weird rashes and old guys that live at the
Posing in "Maxim" is a great career move. There's no shame in it.
I'm laughing, I'm horny. Let's do this.
Put the chicken near your mouth.
Awesome.
Well, you look happy. Somebody just have a root-beer float?
No, Josh's contract is up, so it's time for my favourite thing in the world...
negotiation, the essence of capitalism. There's nothing like it.
God, I wish there was somebody I could negotiate with right now.
I need a couple minutes to go over breakage today... how's noon?
- Can't do that. Make it 4:00 a.m. - Oh, that's no good.
- What about after rehearsal? 10:00. - Stop insulting me. 3:00 a.m.
- Midnight. You bring the coffee. -2:30, you bring the coffee. That's my final.
Done.
Wow, you do have a talent.
I can't wait to go mano a mano with Josh.
Right. I think you mean "mano a toddler."
Josh is a very sweet, very dumb kid. Please go easy on him.
I'll try to remember that when you and I meet with him later.
- Me? No, don't make me be a pan of this. - Lemon, I would like to teach you something.
I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry, black kid
who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.
I don't want to learn about negotiation. I just want Josh to stay. The show needs him.
Lesson number one... you don't need anyone.
Sure, Josh tests well with female viewers 12 to 24, which is important to advertisers,
because young women will buy just about anything.
These sunglasses have a chip in them
that makes the lenses change colour as my iPod loses power.
But whatever Josh brings to the show, he's still replaceable.
- He's not replaceable as my friend. - He's your opponent now.
He's going to try to grab all the marbles, and it's our job to hide them.
that needed our help getting all that money out of Africa?
We did it! I got the cheque today.
- Say word. - Word is bond.
I would've been happy if our only reward was helping that dethroned prince of Nigeria,
but this is great. We should treat ourselves.
You want to go to Vegas and buy a bunch of sarcophagi?
Nah. I don't even use the ones I have.
- We could add someone else to the entourage. - That's a good idea.
- What's Young Larry doing these days? - He's in Jay-Z's entourage.
- What about Cheese? - He's rolling with Ghostface Killah now.
- Fat Balls? - Studying hotel administration at Cornell.
Well, go ahead, Fat Balls. That's a good program.
Hello, there, Mr Jordan, Mr Slattery, Mr Griswold.
I picked up your lunch from Sylvia's. Extra cornbread, because I know you like it.
Like it? I love it. I love this cornbread so much,
I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.
Pregnant Cornbread.
Ken, you like doing stuff for me, right?
How would you like to be in my entourage?
Well, that sounds like fun. What would I do?
Well, let's see. Dot Com does the driving and the cooking.
Grizz is in charge of sitting on me when I get overstimulated.
Well, I have been looking for someone to harmonize with me.
This is a really special day.
- Nice. - Isn't it great?
These are the sexiest women in comedy? Where's Jackée?
Jenna, have you read your interview yet?
Oh, no. Did I come across as interesting? I tried to mention Bono as much as possible.
No, you come across as crazy.
Why did you tell the reporter that you hate the troops?
What? I didn't say I hate the troops.
You know, we have a huge readership in the armed forces.
What?
Do you have anything you want to say to our beleaguered troops?
- Theatre troupes? - Yeah, the troops.
Oh, I hate theatre troupes. They think what they do is so important.
"But it's just a bunch of gay guys
that like to get in silly costumes and prance around."
No, Liz, he heard me wrong. You know I love the troops.
Do you remember that Fleet Week after I broke up with David?
Oh, God, this is bad. Nobody reads the articles in these things, right?
- No. - Maybe no one will pick it up?
These Holly-weirdoes from La-Ia Land, like Jenna Moron-ey, are just un-American.
So we are calling for a boycott of NBC, General Electric,
and their parent company,
the Sheinhardt Wig Corporation!
- Jack, I was misquoted. - This is my fault.
I never should have let her do "Maxim" in the first place.
We'll nip this thing in the bud.
Jenna will make a public apology tomorrow on "Hardball."
- You know what that is, don't you? - Yes. Should I prepare a song?
- I can't wait to renegotiate your contract. - Thank you, sir.
What?
Does my vulva look swollen?
Come here.
I just want to warn you, as a friend, about this contract thing.
Jack is gunning for you.
- Really? - Don't worry. You're not going anywhere.
Jack said advertisers love you
because you test great with women 12 to 24.
Which advertisers? Could I get free ChocoStix?
Just don't be pushy about your contract, and I promise we will get through this.
Yeah, Alan actually told me not to talk to anybody about this.
Alan? Who's Alan?
Yeah, a Jacuzzi, the whole nine yards.
Jack... Jack Donaghy. Alan Steiner.
Good to see you. I'm Josh Girard's agent.
Oh, really?
Listen, I'd love to grab a little face time with you,
re: Josh's contract offer.
We've got some serious troubs, my friend.
We are not smiles times.
I'm sorry to hear that, Alan.
What's your sched mañana?
'Cause this is gonna be one serious negosh.
My sched is wide-open, Alan.
Hasta mañana.
So, entourage, what's on the schedule for today?
- I have us pencilled in for "Halo." - I love "Halo"!
I love "Halo" so much, I want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.
Why are you guys laughing so hard? That's the same joke Mr Jordan said earlier.
I don't think so, K, 'cause I like to keep my material fresh.
I like to keep things fresh so much
that I want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.
Whoa, who just killed me? That's never happened before.
- I did, Mr Jordan. - That's impossible.
I've beat all the world's best players...
Grizz, Dot Com, my publicist, my stylist.
Oh, well, I just killed you again.
You're cheating, and I don't want to play no more!
I hate this!
Grizz, I think it's best you come sit on me.
And I just want the troops to kill everyone
and come on home.
Pretty good, but this is "Hardball," Jenna, so you might want to be more specific.
You could say that you support the troops,
but you feel that the war was poorly planned and started under false pretences
and that we should have used those resources to hunt down Osama bin Laden.
I'm just worried I'm gonna sound like I don't know what I'm talking about.
Hey, would Sharon Stone worry about that?
- Would Richard Gere? - No.
Then you go out there, and you voice your opinions like a star.
OK, what are you gonna do if they ask you about '08'?
Well, of course I want Hillary to be the first woman president.
No, Obama. You support Barack Obama.
Remember, you liked those pictures of him at the beach?
Oh, right. Obama... what is he, Hispanic?
- No, he's black. - And he's running for president? Good luck.
Is this new furniture?
- This is my negotiation set. - What?
Gentlemen, please, sit down.
All right.
Let's skip the foreplay and get right to the penetrashe.
Josh is looking for a 15% raise, a two-pic guarantee from Universal,
and time off for every Jewish holiday, no matter how ridiculous.
I mean, Yaznacht is coming up.
That seems pretty reasonable, right, Jack?
Here's my counteroffer.
One dollar.
- What? - Oh, boy.
- That's absurd. - You know what's absurd?
These photos I found of Josh roughhousing with Lance Bass at SeaWorld.
What? We were just being silly.
My offer is now 75 cents.
It keeps getting lower. I think we should take it.
Relax.
Look, Jack, we know about the testing.
Women from 12 to 24 love my guy.
Who told you that?
- Oh, Liz did. - Shut up.
- What? - That was privileged information.
That's what I thought.
Awse. We are back in the game.
I knew you weren't ready for a big chair.
Yo, Kenneth. We need to talk, man.
Oh, I've had this conversation before.
You're marrying my mom, aren't you?
No, it's about how you're treating Tracy.
You're beating him at "Halo," you're not laughing at his jokes.
He's the king around here. You got to respect that.
Oh, my gosh. I had no idea I was causing a problem.
Hey, I got next game.
Hold up.
- How are you beating Kenneth, Grizz? - I don't know.
If Kenneth can beat me, and you can beat Kenneth,
then by the transitive property, you should beat me, too.
Have you been letting me win?
Just at some things.
Things? Plural?
"What is the world's only egg-laying mammal?"
The Easter Bunny.
Right again.
That's a green pie piece.
Amazed.
Oh, yeah! What, cat?
Yeah, Dot Com! Yeah, Grizz!
Have you two been treating me like a child all this time?
No, no, no. I won't stand for this.
Entourage disbanded!
Oh, my.
Tucker Carlson, you heard what Jenna Maroney had to say.
- She supports the troops. - Well, here 's a question, Chris.
Why do we care what she thinks about anything?
She's another empty-headed, self-involved member of the Hollywood ignorati.
You know, for someone who's super, super hot, you're really cranky.
I have just as much right to my opinion as you or Chris.
I'm not sure you do. You've been on this show for 20 minutes now.
You sang six bars of something called "Muffin Top"...
Thank you.
...And then told a disgusting story about Fleet Week.
This is the state of political discourse in this country nowadays, and that's fine.
Let's have our policies determined by former CableACE Award nominees.
First, I was great in that "Arliss."
Second of all, if the president is so serious about the war on terror,
why doesn't he hunt down and capture Barack Obama before he strikes again?
It's time for a change, America. That's why I'm voting for Osama in 2008.
Oh, no comeback? You're burnt!
Hey, Jack, I was totally gonna call you.
Which of your massive screw-ups should we discuss first?
- How about the Jenna situation? - That is taken care of.
I have written an op-ed piece for "The New York Times" under Jenna's name,
in which I put the media on trial.
Here's the plan. We're gonna take Jenna, puts some flags behind her,
have her sing a song that rhymes "USA" with "make them pay,"
dress her in an eagle costume, and we're gonna call it a "Salute the Troops" episode.
Moving on... Josh Girard. I had him right where I wanted him
until my partner stabbed me in the back.
I'm sorry. I was just trying to give my friend a heads-up.
Why can't we all just sit down in normal chairs and figure this out?
Cerie, is Josh in yet?
Josh isn't coming in today. He said he was throwing up all night.
A sick-out. I didn't think he had it in him.
- What are you talking about? - He's faking.
He's gonna stay home until we give in to his demands.
No, Josh could not come up with a sneaky plan like that.
He told me he was a pallbearer at his brother's wedding.
He's probably just sick because he's stressed out about his job.
What happened in your childhood to make you believe people are good?
You know what? If my friendships and my job are incompatible, I choose my friends.
And now, I am going to get some chicken soup from Josh's favourite place
and take it to him and say that I hope he feels better.
Do you ever get any e-mails other than from Match.com'?
No, don't look at that. That's...
Damn it!
Close, right? I feel like I'm above the rim.
I can't palm the ball.
Sir, I think you made a mistake firing Grizz and Dot Com.
They just wanted to make you feel better about yourself.
- They disrespected me. - But don't you miss them?
You're the only one I can trust, K. You're my whole entourage now.
I'm not so sure loan handle that.
Yes, you can, because you were honest with me.
I don't need a couple of yes-men.
I need the truth.
Well, if that's the case, then you should know
that you're never gonna dunk this basketball.
Also, that Oscar you have, is made of chocolate.
And that lady you European-kissed last night was actually a gentleman.
OK, that's enough.
Oh, here comes one right now.
Excuse me. Do you work for NBC?
Oh, no, I was just passing through there on my way to church.
Are you interested in taking back your country?
Am I!
Then join us here tomorrow night for a protest
against the freedom-hating Jenna Maroney and "TGS"!
There will be snacks!
I will definitely be there.
A large chicken soup to go, please.
Jon and I saw your tape... very, very impressed.
You seem like a perfect match for "The Daily Show."
We're always looking for new correspondents.
You stupid turd.
- This is... - Yeah, I can guess who this is.
Are you trying to get on another show behind my back?
Look, Liz, I'm sorry. It's just business.
No, it's not business. I stood up for you.
You were opening for a puppet when I found you!
How could you betray me like this?
You know what the worst pan is?
You proved Jack Donaghy right...
again!
And by the way, what kind of moron calls out sick
and then comes to work to have a meeting?
- I get an NBC discount here. - Idiot!
I'm a big fan of your show.
I want you to crush Josh.
I want you to crush him.
Mr Jordan, Keith called on your cell.
He said they were at the thing, and Little Zay just ended up running.
What did you tell him?
He wanted Dwayne Jr.'s number, so I gave it to him.
What? Damn it, now I have to hear from Tanisha's mama
how they both met at the Twins. You have to handle this stuff better.
Mr Jordan, I don't know any of these people.
But Grizz would...
Damn it, turn on the TV for me.
Dot Com set this up. I don't know how it works.
Television on!
Pornography!
Good, you're here. Josh and his agent are on their way up.
Yeah. Then they're gonna be on their way down.
You know, that was weak, but you're in the mix.
You're having fun. I like that.
Gentlemen. Make yourselves comfortable.
- What are all these headshots for? - Nothing, just some meetings we're taking.
- Meetings? - And if...
Look, Jack. I think I should tell you.
Josh has an offer from "The Daily Show."
Liz mentioned that. I don't think that's gonna pan out.
- What, are you kidding? - What did you do to our offer?
I called my friend Sol Sheinhardt at our parent company, Sheinhardt Wigs,
who called his nephew Morly Sheinhardt, who called his son Jon Stewart.
You're burnt!
Let's get down to brass tacks. Josh can stay.
But no raise, no movies, and only one Jewish holiday.
- What's the one where they go into the tent? - Sukkoth.
- That's the one. We got a deal? - Deal. Thank you.
I need this money. I have a really bad sex addiction.
Sorry.
That's it? I thought you said we could crush him.
What are you talking about? I took away everything. That's a crushing.
No, do more stuff.
You made me look like an idiot. You have to pay.
- Liz, he's not getting a raise. - Do "The Worm"!
Do "The Worm"!
Good Lord, The Worm. That's so degrading.
Are its origins German?
Now say five reasons I'm better than you!
- You're smarter than me. - One.
- You can beat me at arm wrestling. - Two.
- You read the paper. - Yeah, suck it. I do read the paper.
- You want me to do anything? - Be a crab.
Fight the worm!
Liz, you took to this like a natural, more than lever...
OK, now, the crab is getting aroused.
Shut it down. Shut it down.
Small town, worn fatigues
Big dreams and Little Leagues
Gigantic, star-spangled fireworks light up the night
You know, you actually did a good job on this.
Why do you sound so surprised? I love America.
Just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids
and we should all have hybrid cars doesn't mean I don't love America.
I said America She said America
I said America...
And cue the pinwheels.
OK, the pinwheels are lit, but they're not spinning.
And when they're not spinning, they look exactly like...
Swastikas.
"TGS"... Totally godless suckers.
Or Satanists. Ooh, that's even better.
Entourage?
- You got to get me out of here! - Excuse me. Make a path!
Get off of me!
Help!
Wow, Tra, you really saved us from that crowd.
You sure did, man. You sure did.
Yeah, of course I did. I love you guys.
I love you so much,
I'm gonna take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant.
I love you, Dot Com. I love you, Grizz.